Well, I'm 18 now. Happy birthday to me! Yesterday, that is.
And as a gift, I received my acceptance letter from Notre Dame as well. Wow.
I know I'm not bouncing up and down, or acting nearly as excited as I should be. I just seem to be in shock. I mean since I knew what college was (and probably before) I wanted to go to Notre Dame. It's been my lifelong dream. But now, after visiting Norwich, I can't really be sure that it's where I belong. I always thought it was, but Norwich just fit so well! Structured, fulfilling, intense, worthwhile. It was all there. Now I'm more confused than ever. Well, good for me I guess. Not everyone gets into Notre Dame.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Friday, March 26, 2010
Adventures in College-Visit-Land
Spring Break 2010. Senior year. Which of course means.... MEXICO! VEGAS! FLORIDA! KINGS ISLAND, AT THE VERY LEAST!
Or of course you could always squeeze in a few more college visits, if you're a dork, like myself.
You may have guessed, but I am not posting from anywhere sunny, warm, or remotely amusing. I'm at the Marriott in Cincinnati visiting Xavier tomorrow (which, btw also happens to be my 18th BIRTHDAY) for a preview day thing. The reception for us cool scholarship winners tonight was nice, very well done. They rented out the Great American Ballpark, home of the Cincinnati Reds, for a few hours and we got the "Champions Club" suite. Sweet! XD Wow that was cheesy. Anyhoo, we had a great view of the stadium (duh) and the river, including the bridge to Newport, which is apparently a place of interest. A few speeches, some EXCELLENT brownies, but what really stood out was a quote from one of the speakers, Jaime Guererro. "We are friends with people because we need them at that exact moment." He went on to describe how that was the case with colleges also. Certain aspects of a college will be just what you need at that time, and that should be taken for what it's worth: God putting it there. Ok, that last bit was my take on it, but really, when God sends you a lifeboat GET IN for heaven's sake. Don't make it harder than necessary!
And my favorite (possibly most ironic?) part of hearing his speech was agreeing with everything that he said... and thinking, "THAT is why I belong at Norwich."
Rewind and freeze. Norwich University is a military and civilian college in Vermont. Literally, "the middle of nowhere." (Our tour guide gave us permission to say so!) But for some reason, it fits. I fit. I can't really explain it. It's much like choosing a high school when I walked into Guerin for the first time and just knew that's where I would spend the next four years. Same thing here. It's beautiful, but smack-dab in the middle of NOWHERE. It's cold, rainy, snowy (that's a plus for me!), in a small town, and cadet life for the first year SUCKS. No music/iPod, no Facebook, no talking at meals... The list goes on. Of course there are ways to get around some of those restrictions, but not all of them. And no matter how much you get away with during the day, you're exhausted every night. Sometimes earlier. I know this from experience, and I didn't even go an entire day there. The chapel on campus, as well as a spiritual center, serves as a literal place of refuge for the cadets. A sign is posted on the door "Cadets are allowed to sleep here." If I didn't know any better, I would think this was some sort of joke or lax rules. But after PT, shower, formation, and chow that morning, I curled up for a half hour (or so) nap myself. I could hear one of Grace's rook brothers say "Aw, is that the prospect? She's out cold!" I wanted to correct him, and explain that I was in reality quite warm under my fleece, but I was too tired to form the words.
So what you've heard up til now has been just terrible. What sort of crazy person would want to do any of that?!? Me, clearly. But there were so many great things about it, I'll need more posts to fully explain. All I can say to summarize, because it's late, is that it was fulfilling. All of it. I was satisfied.
I can honestly say that I can't ever remember feeling so content, ever. And recently especially I've been feeling restless. I just feel like there's more that I need to do, to be doing, and the everyday "Have you seen Lady Gaga's newest music vid?" just isn't cutting it. In fact, it's making me more and more eager to get out of high school, where we've grown and matured, but now have reverted to a childish state of entitlement and laziness, ignoring everything that we learned over the last years. Norwich filled the need for reality. I could even talk about the usual, inane things, because I knew that the "reality" part of life was already being fulfilled. I was serving, I was helping, I could stop searching, because my path already pointed to a meaningful future. If one day, one overnight there, gave me that much peace, why wouldn't I spend the next four years there?
Or of course you could always squeeze in a few more college visits, if you're a dork, like myself.
You may have guessed, but I am not posting from anywhere sunny, warm, or remotely amusing. I'm at the Marriott in Cincinnati visiting Xavier tomorrow (which, btw also happens to be my 18th BIRTHDAY) for a preview day thing. The reception for us cool scholarship winners tonight was nice, very well done. They rented out the Great American Ballpark, home of the Cincinnati Reds, for a few hours and we got the "Champions Club" suite. Sweet! XD Wow that was cheesy. Anyhoo, we had a great view of the stadium (duh) and the river, including the bridge to Newport, which is apparently a place of interest. A few speeches, some EXCELLENT brownies, but what really stood out was a quote from one of the speakers, Jaime Guererro. "We are friends with people because we need them at that exact moment." He went on to describe how that was the case with colleges also. Certain aspects of a college will be just what you need at that time, and that should be taken for what it's worth: God putting it there. Ok, that last bit was my take on it, but really, when God sends you a lifeboat GET IN for heaven's sake. Don't make it harder than necessary!
And my favorite (possibly most ironic?) part of hearing his speech was agreeing with everything that he said... and thinking, "THAT is why I belong at Norwich."
Rewind and freeze. Norwich University is a military and civilian college in Vermont. Literally, "the middle of nowhere." (Our tour guide gave us permission to say so!) But for some reason, it fits. I fit. I can't really explain it. It's much like choosing a high school when I walked into Guerin for the first time and just knew that's where I would spend the next four years. Same thing here. It's beautiful, but smack-dab in the middle of NOWHERE. It's cold, rainy, snowy (that's a plus for me!), in a small town, and cadet life for the first year SUCKS. No music/iPod, no Facebook, no talking at meals... The list goes on. Of course there are ways to get around some of those restrictions, but not all of them. And no matter how much you get away with during the day, you're exhausted every night. Sometimes earlier. I know this from experience, and I didn't even go an entire day there. The chapel on campus, as well as a spiritual center, serves as a literal place of refuge for the cadets. A sign is posted on the door "Cadets are allowed to sleep here." If I didn't know any better, I would think this was some sort of joke or lax rules. But after PT, shower, formation, and chow that morning, I curled up for a half hour (or so) nap myself. I could hear one of Grace's rook brothers say "Aw, is that the prospect? She's out cold!" I wanted to correct him, and explain that I was in reality quite warm under my fleece, but I was too tired to form the words.
So what you've heard up til now has been just terrible. What sort of crazy person would want to do any of that?!? Me, clearly. But there were so many great things about it, I'll need more posts to fully explain. All I can say to summarize, because it's late, is that it was fulfilling. All of it. I was satisfied.
I can honestly say that I can't ever remember feeling so content, ever. And recently especially I've been feeling restless. I just feel like there's more that I need to do, to be doing, and the everyday "Have you seen Lady Gaga's newest music vid?" just isn't cutting it. In fact, it's making me more and more eager to get out of high school, where we've grown and matured, but now have reverted to a childish state of entitlement and laziness, ignoring everything that we learned over the last years. Norwich filled the need for reality. I could even talk about the usual, inane things, because I knew that the "reality" part of life was already being fulfilled. I was serving, I was helping, I could stop searching, because my path already pointed to a meaningful future. If one day, one overnight there, gave me that much peace, why wouldn't I spend the next four years there?
Monday, March 15, 2010
*Sigh* Sometimes I wonder
This week, and last, have been good. Honestly. Just sometimes I struggle to find joy in day to day life. I don't know why. One thing I was really excited about was working at church. We opened the new venue, Sanctuary, last weekend, and I managed CG for the first two hours. Leo sounded so impressed! I really liked the message too. It's odd but the services seem to go by faster when you're working... In any case, I got frustrated with Haruhi at school last week, then realized my mistake and apologized so much, because not even pride can hold a candle to the misery of knowing that you're on bad terms with a friend. Thats the worst feeling in the world. I'm glad its all fixed, then again she's so ridiculously forgiving. But I love her for it. :)
Still I see everyone every morning and I don't feel connected. My most plugged-in time of the day is 5th period when me, Kyo-mom, and Bella have study hall. Then I feel like I'm not really alone. Otherwise, I do. It doesn't seem to matter that I know everyone in all of my classes. I still feel lonely. And now I'm crying and don't know why.
In other news, I got a response from Washington University in St. Louis: wait-listed. Though since it's not a rejection, I still feel pretty good about it! Just waiting for the other few....
Good grief my life is so complicated. I love Seussical, and the family it gives me, but at the same time it almost makes the loneliness more palpable.
I just really don't know what to do.
Still I see everyone every morning and I don't feel connected. My most plugged-in time of the day is 5th period when me, Kyo-mom, and Bella have study hall. Then I feel like I'm not really alone. Otherwise, I do. It doesn't seem to matter that I know everyone in all of my classes. I still feel lonely. And now I'm crying and don't know why.
In other news, I got a response from Washington University in St. Louis: wait-listed. Though since it's not a rejection, I still feel pretty good about it! Just waiting for the other few....
Good grief my life is so complicated. I love Seussical, and the family it gives me, but at the same time it almost makes the loneliness more palpable.
I just really don't know what to do.
Monday, March 1, 2010
Mission from God?
March 1st - beginning of my final trimester in high school. Wow. Well the day started off well enough, considering I didn't oversleep even a little, and my hair and makeup were behaving. Of course I had to leave at my normal time even though I had an ortho appointment, because the office is now in GREENWOOD. FML! Still this trip was much faster than my first, and only took about 35-40 minutes. Not bad for rush hour!
The best part had to be when they mentioned that I was a week early for my appointment. *facepalm* Good job, girlie!
So I missed my first day of "The Breakfast Club" aka Spanish class, and most of bio. Luckily this Friday is an all-school mass so Mr. Duray just talked today, about his experiences in Haiti. I wish I could have gone on a trip there. Any trip really. I mean the service project at church was cool just because when you hear all the facts and figures they throw out, it really does amaze you. 23 cents feeds a child for a day. WHAT HAVE WE BEEN DOING?!? How easy would it be to stop world hunger? The Kids Against Hunger program had a great idea, and I wish it was promoted more. Maybe for like a summer camp service activity or something, but either way so much good could be done! Our team of eight at one table fed about 17K people. THATS CRAZY. Why aren't people doing this regularly? Why does it take a disaster of some sort to make us notice? Mr. Duray said he was sick of people coming back from trips and getting all "You in America with your cell phones and your Game Boys and your Tevo..." but quite honestly I had already started that particular diatribe in my head. We do have so much. So much more than we need. This year in particular I have been much more cognizant of that fact, especially after a big sale at Kohl's that mom just HAS to go to, and drags me along for the deals, and we end up spending several hundred dollars on clothes. I've begun to get restless and cynical after stuff like that. After the winter sale at Old Navy (Okay, I'll admit that I dragged MOM there), I tossed and turned until I realized what to do. I got out of bed, went through my closet, and filled two huge trashbags with the clothes I was giving away, the clothes that I didn't need and were only there because I was paranoid that I would eventually need them. TIME TO FACE FACTS: I won't use most of them. So out they went! I finally fell asleep.
Now to the title (though I now realize that it could very well be referring to Haiti, etc... Totally did not plan that). As it is the first day of a new trimester, that means new classes. For the first time, I am not in any classes with any of my "close" friends. Really Kristen is the only person that I need on a regular basis, and I did get used to having no classes with her last trimester. Of course, then I was in several classes with both Devin and Courtney. This trimester, nada. But I'm actually ok with that, because I've been weaned off of having them in all of my classes. I have other friends. I'm not dependent. What I'm wondering is, since it seems as though I've been singled out, is God trying to get through to me? Maybe get me to reach out more? Or, as I seem to have no trouble adapting, is He focusing on my close friends, who constantly are together?
I have no clue. I feel like the separation doesn't bother me, and that my ability to reach out and adapt is definitely developed enough to succeed in the future (i.e. COLLEGE) whereas some of my friends haven't quite mastered that yet, and in my opinion, need the practice more. But Gods ways are not my ways, so I guess whatever happens will happen. In the meantime I hope to further develop myself in the absence of people who know me intimately. There's really nothing to lose I guess.
The best part had to be when they mentioned that I was a week early for my appointment. *facepalm* Good job, girlie!
So I missed my first day of "The Breakfast Club" aka Spanish class, and most of bio. Luckily this Friday is an all-school mass so Mr. Duray just talked today, about his experiences in Haiti. I wish I could have gone on a trip there. Any trip really. I mean the service project at church was cool just because when you hear all the facts and figures they throw out, it really does amaze you. 23 cents feeds a child for a day. WHAT HAVE WE BEEN DOING?!? How easy would it be to stop world hunger? The Kids Against Hunger program had a great idea, and I wish it was promoted more. Maybe for like a summer camp service activity or something, but either way so much good could be done! Our team of eight at one table fed about 17K people. THATS CRAZY. Why aren't people doing this regularly? Why does it take a disaster of some sort to make us notice? Mr. Duray said he was sick of people coming back from trips and getting all "You in America with your cell phones and your Game Boys and your Tevo..." but quite honestly I had already started that particular diatribe in my head. We do have so much. So much more than we need. This year in particular I have been much more cognizant of that fact, especially after a big sale at Kohl's that mom just HAS to go to, and drags me along for the deals, and we end up spending several hundred dollars on clothes. I've begun to get restless and cynical after stuff like that. After the winter sale at Old Navy (Okay, I'll admit that I dragged MOM there), I tossed and turned until I realized what to do. I got out of bed, went through my closet, and filled two huge trashbags with the clothes I was giving away, the clothes that I didn't need and were only there because I was paranoid that I would eventually need them. TIME TO FACE FACTS: I won't use most of them. So out they went! I finally fell asleep.
Now to the title (though I now realize that it could very well be referring to Haiti, etc... Totally did not plan that). As it is the first day of a new trimester, that means new classes. For the first time, I am not in any classes with any of my "close" friends. Really Kristen is the only person that I need on a regular basis, and I did get used to having no classes with her last trimester. Of course, then I was in several classes with both Devin and Courtney. This trimester, nada. But I'm actually ok with that, because I've been weaned off of having them in all of my classes. I have other friends. I'm not dependent. What I'm wondering is, since it seems as though I've been singled out, is God trying to get through to me? Maybe get me to reach out more? Or, as I seem to have no trouble adapting, is He focusing on my close friends, who constantly are together?
I have no clue. I feel like the separation doesn't bother me, and that my ability to reach out and adapt is definitely developed enough to succeed in the future (i.e. COLLEGE) whereas some of my friends haven't quite mastered that yet, and in my opinion, need the practice more. But Gods ways are not my ways, so I guess whatever happens will happen. In the meantime I hope to further develop myself in the absence of people who know me intimately. There's really nothing to lose I guess.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
LENT, Day 1
So Lent isn't required for me, but I still observe it anyway. Making a physical sacrifice for a greater spiritual good? That sounds good in my book. But of course it's only the first of the 40 days and already I'm pining for Facebook. Yes, I gave up Facebook for Lent. Actually there was some real thought behind that particular sacrifice. It's my number one source of procrastination, and finals are coming up next week. Perfect timing to help me study more!
The Winter Retreat was awesome, probably my favorite retreat ever. But not because of the topic. The topic was "Scribble Sessions" and the speaker was named Chris. He has a nerve and muscle disease, but has managed to overcome the effects of it for the most part and travels around as a speaker. He was AMAZING. The idea of the weekend was to be ourselves, even our "scribbles" or the not pretty parts of ourselves, because as Paul writes "I myself have written this as a mark of who I am" or something like that. A distinguishing mark, I think. Needless to say, I have become more proud of my handwriting! :D It may suck, look immature and even boyish, but you know what??? IT'S MY SCRIBBLE! And I'm gonna use it! Because without it, I wouldn't be me! And in order for God to properly use us, we have to BE "us" the way He made us. Scribbles and all.
I love the idea of using my failures/mistakes/weaknesses to help others on their journey, but then SPECIFIC things come to mind. AHEM. Things I don't know if I will ever tell anyone. I'm sure after weighing the pros and cons I'll choose to help others, rather than let them make the same mistakes I have. But it's still scary to think about.
Eh, God's will be done.
The Winter Retreat was awesome, probably my favorite retreat ever. But not because of the topic. The topic was "Scribble Sessions" and the speaker was named Chris. He has a nerve and muscle disease, but has managed to overcome the effects of it for the most part and travels around as a speaker. He was AMAZING. The idea of the weekend was to be ourselves, even our "scribbles" or the not pretty parts of ourselves, because as Paul writes "I myself have written this as a mark of who I am" or something like that. A distinguishing mark, I think. Needless to say, I have become more proud of my handwriting! :D It may suck, look immature and even boyish, but you know what??? IT'S MY SCRIBBLE! And I'm gonna use it! Because without it, I wouldn't be me! And in order for God to properly use us, we have to BE "us" the way He made us. Scribbles and all.
I love the idea of using my failures/mistakes/weaknesses to help others on their journey, but then SPECIFIC things come to mind. AHEM. Things I don't know if I will ever tell anyone. I'm sure after weighing the pros and cons I'll choose to help others, rather than let them make the same mistakes I have. But it's still scary to think about.
Eh, God's will be done.
Friday, February 12, 2010
No school is nice...
No high schooler, especially a senior, complains about a day off of school. It just doesn't happen. Sleeping in has been great, and I feel good!
Tonight Leah and I are leaving for Grace's Winter Retreat. She's not too psyched about it. I don't feel like she's bringing me down so to speak, but just pulling me out of myself, which is a good thing. At first when I realized I was going I wondered a lot. I haven't been to my small group AT ALL this year (Epic fail there) and have made it to maybe 2 Wednesday nights?? Catholic school can make on complacent in their faith, with theology classes and mass once a week, I feel like I don't need anymore "church." Truth is, of course, I do. So I wondered if any of my friends were going on the retreat. If they still considered themselves my friends. If I knew anyone in my small group.
Now that I'm focused on Leah, I'm a lot calmer. I'll bring my friendship bracelet and knitting supplies (always big hits during free time!) and go from there. I might even bring some homework and sit with her sometime. Kill two birds with one stone!
In any case, I'd just like to see some change of heart, for me, for her, or for both of us, this weekend.
Happy Valentines Day!
Tonight Leah and I are leaving for Grace's Winter Retreat. She's not too psyched about it. I don't feel like she's bringing me down so to speak, but just pulling me out of myself, which is a good thing. At first when I realized I was going I wondered a lot. I haven't been to my small group AT ALL this year (Epic fail there) and have made it to maybe 2 Wednesday nights?? Catholic school can make on complacent in their faith, with theology classes and mass once a week, I feel like I don't need anymore "church." Truth is, of course, I do. So I wondered if any of my friends were going on the retreat. If they still considered themselves my friends. If I knew anyone in my small group.
Now that I'm focused on Leah, I'm a lot calmer. I'll bring my friendship bracelet and knitting supplies (always big hits during free time!) and go from there. I might even bring some homework and sit with her sometime. Kill two birds with one stone!
In any case, I'd just like to see some change of heart, for me, for her, or for both of us, this weekend.
Happy Valentines Day!
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Shoes make my day....
...but today I'm wondering about other things. For the first time in MONTHS, probably the first time this year, I set my Facebook chat status to 'online' and, of course, no one is online. All of these people that constantly yell at me to 'turn on your chat!' and naturally they aren't there either. Almost an empty feeling. I've been trying to fill the void with Mr. Stroup's favorite method of devotions, reading a chapter of Proverbs a day. Not sure how well they're sinking in, but I'm trying. Of course those LOTR devotion books are fun too. I love it when friends buy you something that puzzles you, and you don't use or even fully appreciate at the time, but years later value more than you could ever express. That being said, I'll attempt it: THANK YOU ELLEN!!!! Better than just devotional books, I know you'll always be my friend no matter what, and you genuinely care about the state of my soul. That means a lot girl! Endless hugs for you!
On the upside of life, I've been accepted to and received scholarships from 5 of the 11 colleges that I applied to. Colorado School of Mines, Barry University, Grace College, St. Joseph's College, and Xavier University. Not a bad list to choose from!
In other news, go Colts! Headed to the Superbowl for the 2nd time in so many years! And better yet it saves us from a stuffy day in uniforms at school, so I'm all for it.
On the upside of life, I've been accepted to and received scholarships from 5 of the 11 colleges that I applied to. Colorado School of Mines, Barry University, Grace College, St. Joseph's College, and Xavier University. Not a bad list to choose from!
In other news, go Colts! Headed to the Superbowl for the 2nd time in so many years! And better yet it saves us from a stuffy day in uniforms at school, so I'm all for it.
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